


spiral into the unknown

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Apologies, Arguing, Communication, Established Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, New Beginnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-19 17:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14242176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: An unexpected job offer stirs up volatile emotions and hidden insecurities.Excerpt-The envelope sitting on the table in front of the sofa is elegant and official looking, the paper a creamy ivory and lightly textured. It's still sealed, and just looking at it makes his heart skip with a nervous excitement. Dramatic, perhaps, but what it holds has the ability to change the direction of his career.





	spiral into the unknown

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Evening42 for being a great beta!

 

The envelope sitting on the table in front of the sofa is elegant and official looking, the paper a creamy ivory and lightly textured. It's still sealed, and just looking at it makes his heart skip with a nervous excitement. Dramatic, perhaps, but what it holds has the ability to change the direction of his career.

 

Phil knows what it contains, the company had contacted him directly via email initially, but it still gives him a jolt to see it there. Inside that discreet envelope is the formal offer of the editing job he'd accepted. It's a simple job, one he can do easily and with confidence. There's no formal contract to sign, if this doesn't work out he can just walk away after, and yet he finds himself hesitating.

 

He knows taking this job means admitting to things he's been putting off thinking about. Things like decreasing channel views and a growing disenchantment with YouTube, a feeling of stagnation and a lack of creativity. He likes making his videos; he truly does, but he's so tired of trying to compete for views. It's never been something he cared about before but it's becoming increasingly apparent that viewer interest in his personal channel is waning.

 

It's not such a shock, he thinks, as he paces around the flat. After all, he is thirty-one now, a veritable dinosaur, and YouTube is flooded with young up-and-coming creators. There's always been this unspoken shelf life that YouTubers have and they see it in the dwindling views and invites to events like VidCon. And Phil's okay with it if he's being honest with himself. He's ready for something different and is excited by the thought of a new challenge.

 

What he's not ready to do is talk to Dan. Thinking about it makes him feel awful since he hasn't mentioned any of this to Dan yet and it's wrong, he knows it's wrong, but he just wasn't ready to go a few rounds with him about it. Phil hates confrontation and just the thought of arguing with Dan is enough to make his anxiety rise.

 

He doesn't know how many times he's paced the main floor of the flat, anxiousness chipping away at his confidence before he hears Dan at the door. His aimless wandering comes to a halt as he watches Dan climb the stairs, their eyes meeting as Dan breaks out into that giant smile of his that makes his dimple pop. Phil tips his face up to receive the kiss Dan is eagerly pressing to his lips, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of fresh air and sun-warmed skin and Dan. I'll tell him later, he thinks, before losing himself in the distraction of Dan's busy mouth.

 

*****

 

They're sitting on the sofa, an episode of Bake Off droning in the background and bellies comfortably full of pizza. Phil's head is resting on Dan's shoulder, and he can feel himself growing pleasantly drowsy as he contemplates taking a late afternoon nap. His mouth opens on a yawn as he watches Dan's fingers fly over his phone, tapping out a message before he places it on the table.

 

“What's this?”

 

Phil jolts upright, potential nap forgotten and watches as Dan picks up the envelope. His eyes scan over the return address before looking at Phil with one eyebrow raised in question. He's rubbing the envelope between his thumb and forefinger as if testing the weight of the paper it was made of, tapping it lightly against his thigh. Phil can actually feel the moment his heartbeat speeds up, nerves drying out the inside of his mouth as he gives Dan a weak smile.

 

He fidgets a bit, fingers pleating the hem of his shirt as he looks into Dan's face, then takes a deep breath before blurting it out.

 

“It's a job offer.”

 

The words fall into the space between them, blunt and stark. He can't take them back but he does wish he could have said it a bit more delicately.

 

Dan's face is a picture of confusion, eyebrows raised and eyes wide. He looks at Phil for a solid moment, as if completely baffled by the words. “ A job? You already have a job. What are you on about?”

 

It sparks a bit of irritation in him, that Dan apparently can't fathom the thought of Phil doing anything other than what's he's been doing. He tries to let the irritation go, hurrying to try and explain things so that Dan can understand.

 

“I know I have a job. But we've talked about how YouTube is dying, how the views are decreasing” He watches his fingers twist together in anxious, fidgety movements. “All you have to do is look at my channel views to see which way the wind is blowing.”

 

He stops now, taking a deep breath and letting it out, before turning his face back to Dan. He's standing now, his face drawn into an irritated frown that Phil recognizes. It's the face Dan wears when he's ready to argue and it always makes Phil feel on edge. He can tell by the set of Dan's shoulders that a long drawn-out explanation won't be appreciated so he says it quickly, like ripping off a plaster.

 

“I've accepted an editing job.” He doesn't say anything more, just waits, knowing that it won't be long before Dan has something to say.

 

“Accepted. Without even talking to me about it? What the fuck Phil?” There's anger in Dan's voice as he turns and tosses the envelope back onto the table.

 

“I'm sorry. I know I should have talked to you about this but-”

 

Dan whirls back to face Phil “but what? You couldn't be bothered to talk to your partner? Or could you not find the balls to let me know you'd decided to change the course of your career?”

 

He makes an irritated motion with his hands while all Phil can do is sit there stunned, as if Dan has physically reached out and slapped him in the face. Dan knows how much he struggles with confrontation and with speaking up for himself; to have him to use it against him, spitting it out as an insult, has that spark of irritation flickering into a flame of anger.

 

Still, he tries to calm himself, taking a deep breath before trying again. “If you'd stop interrupting and just listen for a minute and let me explain-”

 

At that Dan's outrage swells, words bursting from his mouth in a furious rush. “Explain what? That you've made some kind of crazy decision without discussing it with me, trying to do some kind of actual editing job? You haven't even done formal editing since Uni, Phil! Jesus Christ”

 

Now the flame of anger roars into a bonfire, a volatile mix of pain and insult that has Phil's stomach churning as he clenches his fists. He opens his mouth to say...something, anything, but Dan cuts him off once again.

 

“What about the gaming channel, are you giving up on that too?” Dan's pacing now, lecturing Phil as if he were an errant child. “And did you even think about how this will affect me? What the fuck am I supposed to do if I need help filming, how am I-”

 

“Just once can you not make this about you? Not everything is about Dan fucking Howell!”

 

The words are bitter and disappointed, non-filtered and packed with emotion as Phil pushes himself up from the couch and stalks over to the window. He doesn't lose his temper often but when he does it's a hot, vicious thing. The loss of control is something he always regrets so he works hard now to push it back, to push it down and ice it over until his voice is steady once again.

 

“Look, it's obvious that you don't want me to do this. You've been very clear about how it makes **you** feel.” There's hurt now in his voice, tightening his throat until he has to clear it to continue.“I've always been there for you, Dan, and I never thought the day would come when I couldn't say the same about you. I-I'm not sure how I feel about your lack of support and I'm too emotional right now to try and talk this through”

 

“Phil-”

 

“No Dan, not now.” His reply is soft, almost gentle, as he gathers his phone and his coat then turns to look at the man standing in the middle of the room. Dan's face is pale. His eyes are glassy with tears, shoulders hunched in on himself in that way he has when he tries to make himself look small. Everything about Dan right now screams regret but Phil's too upset to try and smooth things over.

 

“I'm going to take a walk, maybe grab a few things from the shop. We're almost out of milk anyway.”

 

“Wait! Phil, _please_. We can talk about this.”

 

He raises his arm now, stretching his hand out to Phil in appeal. Any other time Phil would go, let himself be drawn in by the emotion on Dan's face. He'd push his own feelings down, swallowing the hurt and anger, and reassure Dan that everything was fine.

 

“Not right now”

 

With that he turns and lets himself out of the flat, locking the door behind him as he goes even though Dan's not leaving with him. Habit, he supposes and huffs a bitter laugh at that. It's not often they do things without the other, although that's not exactly true anymore now that Dan has his side projects.

 

The thought aggravates him once again, his long legs eating the pavement in strong, angry strides as he heads to the nearby park. Dan has his speaking engagements and charity interests and even meetings with the goddamn Prince and he's never felt anything but pride in him. Phil's always supported him and encouraged him in everything he's done, he never thought it would be so much to ask for the same in return.

 

He slumps on to the nearest park bench and tips his face up, closing his eyes. He ignores the phone vibrating in his pocket and just breathes up and out, trying to release the tension in his body. He finds himself worrying about the way he left Dan back at the flat, knowing that Dan will be pacing the floors in a barely controlled panic. Guilt rears its head before resentment bites at him again. Will there ever be a time when he doesn't filter his emotions for fear of Dan's reaction? Just once he'd like to yell ' _what about me? I have feelings too!_ '

 

He shoves off of the bench and heads toward the nearest shop for milk, not wanting to be out in public for too long. He doesn't feel like braving Tesco today, not in the mood to run into anyone who might recognize him. The act of forcing a fake smile on his face seems impossible right now so he's grateful when he goes unnoticed, turning to head back home and to Dan. He's not sure what to expect when he gets there and that makes his anxiety spike once again and his stomach cramp.

 

Not wanting Dan to worry too much, he stops to send him a quick text, letting him know he was on his way back. He doesn't bother reading his messages and shoves the phone back into his pocket before continuing down the street. He tries to sort out his jumbled thoughts as he walks, wanting to be as clear as possible for the conversation he knew they'd be having when he gets home. Phil sighs out a breath as he unlocks the door, already exhausted and dreading another confrontation with Dan.

 

He drags himself up the stairs and kicks off his shoes, toeing them off to the side. Dan hates when he leaves his shoes out and he'll put them away soon, but right now he feels petty enough to enjoy this small rebellion. That thought immediately makes him feel guilty so he turns and grabs the shoes, putting them away neatly on the rack in the bedroom.

 

He makes his way into the kitchen to put the milk away and stops at the sight of Dan there. He's holding a cup of coffee in his hands, and he looks shaky and sad. Phil's silent for a moment, trying to think of how to even begin as he puts the milk in the refrigerator and closes the door.

 

“I made you a coffee.”

 

Dan's voice is thin and wobbly and when Phil turns to look at him he sees Dan holding it out like a peace offering. The cup is trembling in his unsteady hands, and he looks so guilty and upset, that Phil can't help but cross to him. He accepts the cup from Dan and takes a tiny sip before placing it on the counter, turning back to open his arms. Dan lurches into them, wrapping his arms around Phil's waist. He's clinging a bit too tightly, standing a bit too close, and it's all so familiar Phil can't help but sigh into the curly mop that tickles at his nose.

 

“I'm sorry Phil. I'm so sorry! I-I didn't mean it, of course you'll be brilliant. I was just scared and selfish and god, I'm such an asshole and you know how I can be-”

 

 

 “Dan, stop. You're none of those things! It's okay to be afraid of change, god knows I am.” He raises a hand and slides it into Dan's hair, winding a curl around his finger. “I should have talked to you about this, and I'm sorry I didn't. But everything is going to be fine. You're here, I'm here...It's alright.”

 

 

Phil keeps his voice soft and soothing, well used to helping Dan settle and calm himself. He feels him take a deep breath and let it out before straightening up. As he looks up into Dan's face, he can see the lingering traces of tears and fatigue that the storm of emotions has left there. Phil's heart gives a little twist at that so he takes that beloved face in his hands and lays a soft kiss on chapped lips.

 

“Thank you for the coffee. It's just the way I like it.”

 

A smile crosses those lips briefly before fading. He's looking intently at Phil now, wanting him to see the sincerity and the apology in his eyes.

“I really am sorry Phil.”

 

“I know babe, I know. Now let's sit and talk about it, yeah?”

 

So they sit at the table, nibbling on biscuits as they sip at hot cups of coffee. It's only after his second cup that Dan finally breaks, admitting to feeling insecure.

 

“We've always done everything together, Phil, you know? We've always gone the same way.” His voice is quiet and tense, his fingers tap tap tapping on the handle of the mug. “Now it feels like everything is changing.”

 

“Things **are** changing, Dan. But why can't that be a good thing?”

 

Dan's fingers are drumming on the table now, the restless cadence a sign of his agitation. Phil reaches over and takes Dan's hand in his, slotting their fingers together. He waits until Dan looks up at him and smiles in encouragement.

 

Dan huffs out a breath that ruffles the hair on his forehead. “You're going to make me say it. I'm actually going to admit this out loud,” he says, covering his eyes with his free hand. “I'm afraid you're going to be around all those professional people, with their fancy degrees and educated thoughts, then come home to me--failed law student and uni dropout.”

 

He shifts in his chair as if he were trying to shrink into himself. “I know you have your degrees but with YouTube, it didn't matter, we were always equals.” He shrugs, trying to make light of what he's saying but it's halfhearted and Phil sees right through it. “I don't want you to think less of me.”

 

“hmmm, you're right I guess,” Phil says with gentle sarcasm. “All your charity work and business sense, owning companies, and all those other wonderful things about you mean nothing without a degree. Guess it's time for you to leave.”

 

Dan snorts out a laugh and the sound makes Phil's smile. They stare at each other for a minute before Phil continues, growing serious once more. “I need this change, Dan, even if it's just a one-time thing. AmazingPhil was successful and I'm beyond grateful. But now I want to see if regular Phil can be successful too.”

 

 

So they talk about possibilities,the lingering fears and insecurities, and the struggle to find a new path forward. Sometimes they talk in whispers and other times through laughter but their underlying message remains the same: I love you and will be here for you.

 

****

 

Later they find themselves on the couch, pressed together from shoulder to thigh. Dan is tucked under his arm with his face turned into Phil's neck, breathing slow and deep. It's peaceful, and he thinks Dan may have fallen asleep until he hears that soft voice break the silence.

 

“Hey, Phil? Try new things?”

 

He breathes out a quiet laugh, suddenly overwhelmed with love for this man next to him. He pulls Dan closer and presses a kiss to his forehead and agrees,

 

“Try new things.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I may not always reply to comments but I do read and appreciate every single one!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr, stop by and say hello!  
> capriciouscrab.tumblr.com


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